a guy from vacation

ph: lauryn holmquist

I never thought that I could have feelings for someone I've only known for two weeks; someone who doesn’t even live in my country; someone who I won’t see again in my whole life.

When I first saw you on the beach I was thrilled about your body and your beautiful face. I decided to speak to you because I knew: I have nothing to lose.

After some fun days at the beach we finally met the first time in the evening. We had a drink and talked a lot about everything – that was the first time I noticed you were special, not like the other boys I usually meet on vacation.

I waited some more days for you to kiss me the first time – and I didn’t regret waiting for it. But somehow – for me, at least – it didn’t feel like a normal kiss with some random guy. It just felt like . . . magic. I enjoyed the time with you more than ever. Just sitting next to you and holding your hand seemed perfect to me. No; everything with you by my side seemed perfect.

I was scared of the day I was going home. But I knew that this moment would come; faster than we could imagine. I tried hard to not think about it; but that was impossible.

Our last day, our last night was at the same time the best we had together. I can’t remember another moment I felt so happy and alive.

Then it was time to say goodbye. And I can't remember another moment I felt so empty and horrible. It felt like the end of the world. Knowing that I won’t see you again in my life killed me inside - and is still killing me.


Now I’m sitting here in my bed and can't stop thinking about you. My phone is in my hand and I really want to write you a message. I want to know if you’re okay – and tell you that I miss you. But I won’t do this. 'Cause it’s so childish and idiotic. He’s just a guy from vacation! Don’t be silly, girl!


I put my phone down on my table. No. I really won’t write you. I just don’t want you to think that I’m in love with you (because it would sound ridiculous!). But maybe, yes, I am in love with you. A little bit, at least.

i have a crush

ph: weheartit

a proper start or ending

ph: Oliver Baldwin

He's never really been one to show much emotion; always the closed off, seemingly typically a 'guy'. And this is so cliché, but there's a reason guys like him keep making our hearts swoon. It's nearing the end of my first year at university, and he's been such a big part of what I will remember from this place; this dorm life. The thing is, he's always been a constant; always there with his smirk and over pronounced drawls, the way he kind of ducks down when he walks. He subtly caught my eye with his boyish good looks and a mysterious (or is he just that closed off?) And then it kind of took a course of its own, and before I realized what the hell was going on, my heart already ran with it and I just couldn't keep up or make sense of things. We don't sound compatible on paper; I'm kind of sparkly and cheerful with a loud personality and I'm kind of built boyishly skinny. He is shorter (almost shorter than me, probably is with my heels), much more reserved and is emotionally stunted. I'm a writer; I express emotions (although I hate showing them), and he doesn't seem to feel much at all, apart from a few jokes here and there. Whenever there's other guys (because there's always other guys for me), and I almost completely forget about what's there, he goes and makes conversation, shoots me a boyish grin and I find myself falling again like I never really stopped.

The thing with me is, I am loud, I am funny, I'm good with meeting new people and all that. But I do have layers; I feel that guys just let you down, and that's why 'no strings attached' or whatever I do on a night out, suits me, because I approach these things like a guy does, I go into these 'love things' with half of my heart at most, the rest needs to be earned. And because his room is right next door, he knows, of course he does. I don't sleep around, I have my fun, but he thinks I do, and I hate that.

But sometimes I relish in the fact; because then I can see him and wonder if he thinks I am worth competing for.

I can't really explain the attraction I have towards him; it comes and goes (literally in waves); I've always been a bit reckless and brave; and the first time I confessed my feelings to him, he was already with someone back home.

That was the closure I thought I needed, that I thought I got.

And then somewhere between the second term (workload, parties, too much tequila and non memorable boys), and now, my heart decided to jump in first again, without letting me know.

His bags were packed, and he's ready to move out; back home for the summer, and I know, him being the unattached, unemotional type that he is (although our birthdays are one day apart-shouldn't that mean our personality is the same?) and I feel so so nostalgic, sad in a way that I feel is weak; I shouldn't miss him, I don't have a claim to.

But sometimes we just do, we feel things without other people understanding why.

I swear, part of his appeal is that he never seems to feel; and I just want to open him up.

The last party (of course I was there, we're regulars at this crappy little club); I couldn't fully enjoy the whole thing; because everywhere I looked he was just there, wandering around, dancing, laughing with the guys. And suddenly I had that 'movie moment' where the realization music comes on, and I had to do something, than wallow in the what ifs. So I went up to him, hugged him and told him to have a nice summer.

An hour and countless shots later, that suddenly wasn't the closure I didn't know I needed, so I picked him out, placed my hand on his cheek and (probably sloppily now that the night becomes clearer) kissed him somewhere between the corner of his mouth and his jawline, and told him it's because he's leaving. He hugged me and whispered a thank you in my hair, and sent me another boyish shy smile.

A perfect, sweet ending in a busy club; how ironic. I'm pretty sure a hip hop song was playing.

But being a sappy romantic was never my style.

I don't know what I was expecting, and I went home content. Nostalgic, happy and a tiny bit heartbroken; so bittersweet.

It wasn't a good idea to go to the movies and watch a soppy romantic film with my girlfriends tonight; he finally left this afternoon, and I plastered a cheeky smile and teased him about his small suitcases. It doesn't feel weird; but it wasn't what I wanted; and this is why I hate boys sometimes. Especially boys like him that I cannot understand.

I think I love him, but I probably don't, but I don't even know him; and he's only seen a few sides of me.

His friends all know, but I don't care.

I cried when the movie finished; but I think everyone knew, somewhere along the line, it wasn't just about the movie; and when I got back to my dorm, I stood watching his door for a while, I couldn't help but think about the first day we moved in; now his door is locked and the room is ready for a new boy next year.

I know I probably won't see much of him anymore; because he's not exactly the type to meet up for a quick coffee. I wonder if he'll ever open up, and I know that although we weren't really anything, this will make me more reluctant to open my heart to the next one. Whenever I think about the amazing times I had in this dorm, he'll lurk up; with his casual demeanor and boyish smile, and I'll carry him with me.

There'll be times when I'll be listening to my ipod (we share many favourite bands), or seeing a shirt that he likes to wear; and I'll just wince a little; it's nostalgic, it's bittersweet; and I'll welcome it.

I'll wallow for a bit, but then I'll be fine; I don't really like showing emotion, and I get happy easily (I guess we were kind of similar in a different way).

The thing is, I know that at least I tried. I used to be known as the slightly bitchy girl who doesn't seem to care about much; one who doesn't do commitment. Now I know I can feel, I can give (although he didn't give me a chance to), and I'll be fine, I want him to be happy, I'll wonder what life is like for him.

What can I say really, sometimes a girl just gets swept off her feet, even though the guy isn't really prince charming, and there wasn't even a proper start or ending; it was my story to tell, and it means something to me.

together

ph: spectacles + 1000 Drawings

i love her

ph: Vañuska

I have met someone, and as my fingers dance across these keys she is laying in a hospital bed. I am 102.93 miles away and can do nothing to help her. Since I cannot be with her, I will write about her. Anything to occupy my worried mind. I fell for her the moment her cold fingers ran down my ribcage hidden beneath a t-shirt. I fell asleep on her shoulder and she did not wake me. Months separated us but she rarely left my thoughts, she always crept in. Winter came and when I came home she was one of the first people I saw, we smoked cigarettes in a white van behind a church at 4 o'clock in the morning. Everything was so pure, she told me that all she wanted was for me to be happy. I would lay in bed and wait patiently next to my phone, silently begging it to make any noise indicating I was on her mind. We sat in my car and she kissed my hand while I contemplated my current situation. Not kisses of lust, but kisses of comfort and support. She never crossed the line but very carefully teetered on it. While the end of one came, we began. At first in secret, just leg nudges under a table at a crowded restaurant. Then on the dawn of the New Year worried glances from my parents formed words. We left because I could not stand to be home. We spent the New Year together, I remember best through the pictures. Two days later was my birthday and she laid pink roses into my hands, my weakness. I was called home and forced to confront the words from my parents lips that I was choosing to avoid. Threats, tears, screams. Repeat. It was my birthday. She picked me up and I sank into the leather seats inside her car. She read me words from a piece of line-less white paper that she scribbled down during work. "I want to fight for you but our battle is undefined" I cried, she told me it was beautiful. Days turned to weeks and she refused to confront the separation we would soon have to face. It was all kept inside until one night she screamed and cried, I had never seen her cry. It was beautiful. We laid in a hotel bed and she whispered that she loved me. She is gone now, 102.93 miles away. I find myself laying in bed waiting impatiently for my phone to make a noise but not a noise notifying me that I am on her mind. A noise that notifies me that she is alive and well.
I love her.

i dream of you

ph: emdicvictor + Olivia Steele

go ahead and risk it all

ph: Marija Strajnic

Exactly summer of last year, we were happy. It's been one year and three months since we unofficially became official. We started out as friends, and nothing else. We chatted from time to time till we got each others' numbers. We met through our good friends, honestly I even told my friend that I had a feeling i would have a fling with this guy, but boy was i wrong.

I fell madly and deeply in love with him, you can call it cliche, but it's what happened. The way we'd talk every single day, how he`d notice every little thing I do or say. His hugs, that I never want to let go of, the way he would just listen as I randomly tell him about my life. How he was so patient when I was already pushing him away. I was starting to fall, but I've always been the type of person who was afraid of relationships because I've seen love die way too many times. So I tried to push him away, but he kept coming back. Everybody was telling me I was crazy, because they all knew that he felt the same way too.

It came to a point where I broke down my barriers and let him in, but it wasn't easy because we were both two complicated people, when I wanted let him in, he started pushing me away, and vice versa. I knew why he was doing it, he was confused as I was. Till it came to a point when our first kiss happened, it wasn't intentional we were making fun of each other and then all of a sudden it happened, we were both a little bit surprised because we were still unsure of what we were, if we were actually a couple or not. But then he held my hand, and someone asked me if we were together, I immediately said no. He remained quiet. So the pushing and pulling away in our relationship continued, until it came to a point that we just couldn't work it out anymore, I know I loved him, and still do actually. I've never met a boy who's more patient to me than him, I couldn't blame him for letting go, I think I pushed him too hard that he had no choice but to just give up. And I've been regretting that ever since.

So to everybody who reads my story; don't take things for granted because you will really regret it. Follow your heart, and take the fall. If you think he/she is worth it, go ahead and risk it all. Because once that person is sick and tired of all your games believe me they'll give up even if they don't want to. No couple breaks up and remains just friends, it's either they were never really in love or it's really just a once in a blue moon kind of thing. Don't repeat the same mistakes I did, because the feeling of regret will stay with you forever. If I had one more chance, believe me I would be as patient as he was with me, but having another chance with him I know is a miracle. So to everyone out there, love the one you're with, don't take them for granted. Especially if they keep up with your mood swings, random babblings, being too immature and everything else, those are the ones you should definitely keep fighting for. It's true when they say you never realize how much a person truly means until they're gone.

you and me and the cat

ph: weheartit + Ashley Goldberg

i've decided

ph: abran fuego

I’ve decided I’m going to concentrate on myself. What I want, what I need, what I feel. I need to figure out my own direction in life, my real interests, and what makes me happy. I can’t live off what I think I need, especially if I’m going to look for it from other people. I need a sense of my own self-satisfaction. I need confidence in myself. I like art, I like music, and I like literature. There are no rules, only what I feel. I’m not going to freak out over boys, not worry every second about not having one, nor am I going to read in to everything they say or do. I do not a need a boyfriend to define me. I just need me. Others’ definitions do help to create me, but they do not define me. I am who I want to be. Everything is my own perception. I need to stop being so paranoid about everything. People notice me a lot less than I think, which also scares me because being the narcissist that I am, I love being noticed for the positive. I also need to realize that I can’t always get what I want. The Rolling Stones got it right. Life doesn’t always turn out how you plan, but I’ve realized that I need to just roll with the punches. There is no right path, because if there is I’m definitely on another fucking path than the one the media and our culture portray. A boy won’t like me just because I want him to, nor will someone who is just looking for an easy hookup (and I provide one) miraculously want a girlfriend, especially in such a scenario. Yet, I cannot become too jaded and miss an opportunity when it pops up. I need to just worry less about this. Of course worry is such an integral part of me. Before college it was about all I was missing out on and really trivial issues and loneliness. Now the issues are different but still derive from the same sense of insecurity and lack of satisfaction. While I’m still trying to figure what will help to fill the void in my soul, I’m going to relax more and do things that bring me pleasure while making sure I become a well adjusted adult. Patience…that’s all I need. Love will happen when it does. I can’t mistake lust or desire for love. You can’t force it or act like it’s an accessory. I’ll just have to wait and instead focus on what I have: good friends, fun adventures, opportunities in the greatest city in the world, a world class education, and a loving family. I’ll enjoy myself in the meantime without getting confused. All these boys, they’re just fun. Who needs serious? It feels good to kiss, to touch, but that’s not love. I’ll just enjoy it for what it is. I like to feel sexy and that’s what these boys provide. I want to feel desirable.

if you're brave enough to say goodbye

ph: Sandra Beijer + Frank Updates

if you love someone don’t let them go

ph: Jovan Todorovic

For a year now, I haven’t been able to get you out of my head, and when I think I have, somehow thoughts of you come crawling right back in. I know it’s over and it has been, and I haven’t been genuinely happy since. Every morning I wake up after a dream that I so badly wish were true, and I don’t understand how you can’t love me back, or even how I can’t figure out how to trick my heart into hating you.

I’ve never been in love, but I think this is it. How could someone I care so much for and have so much in common with not realize that I was made for them?

I figure the sad thing about this situation is that you treat me like nothing, a stranger on the street, but in a second I would run right back into your arms. It’s because I love you, I LOVE YOU.

When we were together you said it back, I don’t think you realized how much I meant it and how little you did. Because we’re young, and reckless, we don’t have a care in the world, except I cared about you. And I still do, and I still will tomorrow and the next day.

I may be pathetic and sad. Not strong enough to move on, but I don’t want to be.
If you love someone don’t let them go, be selfish and fight for them, because if you don’t try you’ll regret never knowing, and you’ll fall asleep every night wondering.

I love you.

Love,

K